Tastees Flavored Condoms Will Blow Your Mind
So a few weeks ago, a rep from Tastees Flavored Condoms contacted us about doing a review of their increasingly popular flavored condoms and offered to send us a shit-load of them via USPS Priority Mail. Well now, this is one of the weirdest things anyone has ever asked us to review, so of course we had to say yes. We were halfway hoping the packaging wasn’t at all discrete, but alas, it was your average USPS box.
At first, we weren’t sure how to proceed. The two of us that were around for the review had both recently broken up with our girlfriends, so, there was that minor issue to contend with. In any case we broke open the box to find a Willy Wonka style assortment of colorful condom packages.
“Flavored condoms? Who the hell invented those?” …you might ask. And the answer, according to Tastees (who has apparently taken their research seriously), is a guy named Piete Smokke, a pot dealer from Amsterdam who, in the early 1990s while smoking a joint one night and itching to get laid, came upon the idea that munchies and sex shouldn’t be mutually exclusive.
In any case, it raises the question – are flavored condoms fun? What about, necessary? I mean… who uses them? It goes without saying that whoever’s dick it’s on probably doesn’t really care too much about the flavor – chances are, they are just regretting having to wear a rubber in the first place.
Or are they?…
It turns out that since the 1990s the sale of flavored condom products has grown exponentially. Could it be that Tastees, among very few other companies, has struck upon a way to actually make contraception… fun?
Long story short, after considering a short list of options that included hookers, and well, hookers, we realized we were going to have to approach this review differently. A few confusing conversations later, we had gathered up a bunch of girls who worked at another friend’s restaurant, explained the situation, and began dishing out the rainbow of flavored plastic we had received – chocolate, strawberry, vanilla…
What happened next is what shocked us. Every one of these girls appeared to be salivating before they even got their lips around these bad boys. It was apparent they knew more about this shit than we did.
We sat around for the next few days wondering if this was the stupidest fucking thing we’d ever done. And then…
A few days later, the verdict was in: Tastees flavored condoms, according to this scientifically selected group of half a dozen ladies, “tasted exactly like the flavors they claim to be” … and yes, this is of great significance. According to these girls, the other flavored condoms they had “experienced” tasted rubbery and nasty, just like any other basic condom you might find laying around.
In the case of Tastees though, GREAT SUCCESS!! We are proud to report these flavored condoms are packaged and manufactured in a methodical way that provenly excites women, and boy did they deliver. Jesus Christ, chocolate and sex at the same time? That’s gotta make any girl in the world cum about three times, minimum. Piete Smokke is a fucking genius if you ask us.
I guess the only thing left for us to do is ask their boyfriends for some feedback…?
In accordance with FCC guidelines, Google guidelines, and authoritarian entities everywhere, we are obliged to acknowledge that this has been a paid product review in case it wasn’t obvious already. Cheers!