Viagra is Not a Recreational Drug

Jesse | Published on Nov 8, 2009

My friend Benny Woo’s pop has a real flat dick and has to eat those boner pills called Viagra all the time so he can bang his new girlfriend Tina. I never met her but I guess she’s like 25 and a hellcat in the sack. Benny says she’s one hot chick with massive gazungas and an upside down heart for an ass.
…………“I’m hoping she gets to be my step mom real soon,” he told me, a faraway look in his eyes.
…………Benny’s pop is like 55 but he’s loaded and drives around in a Vette so I’m not surprised he snagged such a fine specimen of femininity. Hot ass is one of the many benefits of having both metric and standard shitloads of money.
…………Good for him, I say.
…………Anyway, we were over at Benny’s getting high and playing Warcraft when Benny started telling me all this. We were laughing and joking about it and Benny went and got the pills from his pop’s bathroom. I asked him if he ever ate one and he said no, that he’s waiting until he can get a girl to at least talk to him first, then he’ll probably eat 3 or 4.
…………“Just in case one thing leads to another,” he said. “I dare you to eat one now.” He laughed and shook the bottle and I thought of a maraca.
…………“No way–I don’t need that s**t. I can pop a woody like that.” I snapped my fingers.
…………“I’ll eat one if you do,” he said. He shook the bottle again but this time I thought of a rattlesnake.
…………“You go first,” I said.
…………“We’ll do it at the same time.”
…………We waited like a half hour but nothing happened, so we ate a couple more. I was expecting a marble column in my pants but instead got nothing, even after a full hour. We decided we needed a faster way to get them in our system so we smashed a bunch of them up with a tv remote and mixed them in with a doobie, which turned out to be kind of a dumb idea.
…………You see, Viagra is kind of explosive. The whole joint went up in a flash when I put the lighter to it. It was completely gone, paper, pot, and all. I’ve been trying to grow a goatee since I was 16 and had it up to a couple dozen hairs, now the whole left side of it was gone, along with one of my eyebrows.
…………Now that I was disfigured, I got a little depressed. My one cheek was really red too, so even if I could get a girl, she wouldn’t have banged me no matter how hard my penis was, not with only half a goatee and a missing eyebrow.
…………We still had a bunch of Viagra powder in a pile so we took turns snorting it up like meth or coke. What a surprise: nothing happened. Well, nothing except a real nasty taste in my mouth and Technicolor snot. The whole effort was starting to seem like a waste of time and besides I was sleepy from all the pot we smoked earlier. I had planned on looking for a job that day, but a nap sounded better so I went home and crashed on the couch.
…………I woke up a few hours later with a boner SO HARD it hurt. How was this supposed to be fun? The damn thing was so purple it was black, which seemed kind of appropriate seeing as how it was about four times bigger than normal. It throbbed too, like a pounding headache, only in my dick. I could see all the veins standing out and when I cautiously touched it, it felt like cement. It scared the hell out of me. I decided I better go to the emergency room no matter how embarrassing but none of my regular pants fit anymore so I had to put on my old super loose gansta pants I used to wear back when I was a clueless dipshit.
…………It was the most embarrassing moment in my life. The doctor could barely keep himself from laughing. He kept leaving and coming back with different doctors and nurses and one time a janitor guy who didn’t even bother to put his mop down, all of them peeking at me around the curtain. I tried to hide it with the sheet but there was no mistaking what was under it.
…………After everyone had a good laugh, they shot me up full of muscle relaxers and high blood pressure medicine and in a few hours I was back to normal. It’ll definitely be an experience I won’t forget soon.
…………A $2700 experience to be exact.

The End

Michael Kindt is the author of Early Onset of Night