Classifying the Idiot Next to You

Jesse | Aug 25, 2009

The beginning of a school year brings many things to a doe eyed student; a renewed passion for learning, piles of textbooks brimming with information, and another credit towards earning a coveted degree. But for some, like yours truly, a new school year can only mean headache as you pull all your strength together in hopes of not throwing yourself under a bus. Why? Because there is a distinct pattern that classrooms follow.They are a gathering place for not only the bright and competent, but of the students too dumb to realize that we won World War I, or that John Muir isn’t a pseudonym for a woman named Jane. I’ve heard those brilliant comments and more, so let me condense my years of know how into a guide so you can spot problem students and sit way away.

1. The Over-Eager This enthusiastic pupil arrives at class with a pencil poised and an open mouth.They will appear shifty eyed, preying on the unsuspecting who are too tired to circumevent the inevitable barrage of questions the Over-Eager will ask. Is this teacher any good? How do you think we will be graded? Will I need the book? As you are now forced to wake up and respond to the inane questions, keep in mind that all will be revealed in the time it takes for the teacher to explain it to the class, as teachers are wont to do.A consistent response of “don’t know” should be enough to point the Over-Eager in another direction, but if they persist just switch seats.What, like you were going to be friends anyway?

2. The Spontaneous Reunion-Goers Your senses must be heightened, for now there are two beings destined to ruin your day.They may seem unassuming at first; casually entering the room with maybe a smile, anticipating an hour of fine education. However, when their voices reach an unbelieveably high tone and words are drawn out (in the vein of “Oh, Tooooooooom!”), it would be in the best interest of your sanity to quietly slink around and away from these two old friends. And that won’t be an easy task either; while they subdue you with their endless chatter, they will also be obstructing your path by standing directly in the center of the aisle that would have been your escape route, had you been better prepared.

3. The Inept Comedian This aspiring class clown always takes the joke too far or into painfully terrible territory. Drawing an example from my Abnormal Psychology class, the Inept Comedian struck Fool’s Gold when they responded to every single stupid joke. We have to dance for the class if we come tardy, and when the teacher responded in a kidding manner that one “dances until the class is satisfied”, the Inept Comedian countered with “But how will it be determined?Will there be a vote?”. They then proceeded to smugly laugh the laugh of someone who lacks any awareness of the eyes rolled behind them. However, a benefit that can be gleaned from the spectacle they are blissfully unaware they are causing is the hostile projections that might have once been focused on you, now transferred to this bumbling idiot. Relish the fact that you are no longer considered such an ass by comparison, because an Inept Comedian might not exist in every class.

4. The Argues-Too-Much Or a brainiac, know it all, and general distraction. Do they argue anything and everything? Yes. Are they satisifed with just one rebuttal? No, and everyone is now subject to a debate between an inexperienced student and doctoral graduate teacher. My money’s always on the teacher, but some members of the audience are confused by the Argues-Too-Much’s tactics.Is uninterrupted rambling a sign of victory?Then the Argues-Too-Much always wins.Always.

5. The Idiotic Questioner They lied to you when they said there’s no such thing as a dumb question.What kind of questions do idiots ask then? And forever shall these people be dubbed the Idiotic Questioners in an academic setting , and shall they be condemned to a lifetime of ridicule and loathing. They are the people in your science class who obliviously ask “What do you call frozen water?”, and you wait with bated breath as their childlike curiosity is crushed by a teacher too old and with too little pay for this sort of crap.

And there you have it. Not a definitive list, and hopefully you aren’t confronted with a student hybrid, or a combination of all of the above.

God help you if you do.