10 Worst Beers You Should Avoid in College
1. Natural Ice – A.K.A. “Natty Ice” or simply “Natty”, this piss also comes as Natural Light. This beer is the closest you can get to tasting like sour water that’s been sitting in the pipes of an abandoned house for 5 years without actually giving yourself stomach ulcers. Although it might actually be too soon to declare that second part. If you want to be known as the trashy southern kid with an alcoholic father and an all-around girl-repellent, go for this one. (Coor’s version would be KeyStone Light.)
2. Olde English 800 – Okay, let’s go ahead and include ALL other so-called “malt liquors” including Mickey’s, Hurricane Ice, Big Bear, Colt 45, and whatever that other green s**t is that they sell at 7/11 stores. Take all the judgements mentioned above but tack on “cheapass” and you will inch closer to the type of reputation you will radiate by drinking this crap. And you thought vodka was the poor man’s drink…
3. Busch – The only beer that gives you the shits immediately after consumption. At least they deserve a medal for something.
4. Pabst Blue Ribbon – Normally I’d chalk up PBR to the likes of Budweiser, Coors, and Miller – mediocre, but doable. But the fact that the entire goddamn world of hipsters and d********s has revived this shitty beer into some sort of trendy beverage disgusts me. Jesus Christ, seriously? Why can’t all you indie kids just stick to Red Stripe, which is at least somewhat decent?
4. Old Milwaukee, Milwaukee’s Best, Etc – I don’t know what the hell kind of city Milwaukee is, but I’m putting my money on “shithole” based on the fact that any beer with Milwaukee in it’s name smells like a vagina in the middle of a rancid yeast infection.
5. MGD 64, and all other “low calorie” beers – Only in America could beer companies like Miller who are already selling pure piss figure out a way to water things down further and STILL come out with a profit. Applies to Coors Aspen Edge, Sleeman Clear Lager, and dozens more.
6. Bud Light Lime, Bud Light Chelada – Holy hell. The only thing worse than drinking pee is drinking spicy sour pee. You’d think that instead of masking the lack of flavor with fragrances that closely resemble stomach acid, these “breweries” might try to… nope. Nevermind.
7. Fruity Beers – Before you post some gay-ass comment about how Sam Adams Cherry Wheat is “kinda good actually!” let me just shut you up right there. I don’t give a rat’s. There are some things that simply don’t belong in a brew, no matter how shitty a company it is. Included on the list is fruit, chili (i.e. Cave Creek Chili Beer), coffee (i.e. Redhook Double Black Stout), and vitamins (i.e. Winter Park Beer… WTF?). If you want to enjoy one of these b******s in the comfort and privacy of your own home, then please do so. But don’t go turning the world into a bunch of faggots in public. Please. Please.
8. Latino Beers – If your climate is too muggy to properly grow wheat and hops, and you are too poor to import quality ingredients, well, it’s a disaster waiting to happen. We’ve got Corona from Mexico, Salva Vida from Honduras, Imperial from Costa Rica, and the list goes on and on. Pretty much all beers south of the border come in bottles that look like they were manufactured in the 1950s and taste a bit like cardboard mixed with small bits of cocaine. And no, that’s not a good thing.
9. Red Dog – When the only thing going for a beer is that when you look at their logo upside down it looks like Batman eating out Catwoman, it should be a major red flag. Although maybe not.
10. Schlitz – Just saying this word make you feel like a total faggot, or child molester, or perhaps both. Especially when its one of the only beers for sale in Provincetown, MA. It doesn’t help that its fizzier than a broken Coke fountain. You’ve been warned.
Dishonorable mention: Any beer made in Korea. (Hite, OB, etc.)
What beers would you add to or remove from this list? Comment below!
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Very few women judge a guy by the beer he drinks. If they do you have met a real shallow girl.
I don’t care for mass produced American beers. My tastes have evolved with age.
In college we weren’t as brand conscious.
Give a Molsons Canadian a try. Clean and crisp with some bady to it. Labatts Blue is too sweet for my taste. Labatts makes a very good Canadian Ale.
When I travel, I like to try the local brews. Many of them are excellent. These micro breweries have captured the essence of what beer should be.
Wheat gives a sour taste as if your beer from the last semester somehow remained opened on the table and you came back to it.
Just grab the local brewer’s Pale Ale, cream lae or ale.
College uppity drinking advice. F**k off. You’re the dickhead everyone hated. You were the prick “priming” with Woodpecker Apple Cider because it was your cool thing.
Kids, save your money. A girl ain’t gonna judge you if you’re drinking a PBR, Schlitz or even a Milwaukee’s Best. If she does, she’s high maintenance and ain’t worth the effort.
Hi mom
Too poor in UNi so whatever’s on sale and gets you high wins.
None of that I don’t drink low grade stuff cuz if I would I would drink top notch vodka, tequila that cost me a semester a UNi or some 30’year old whiskey/brandy.
I just read adios’ post as I was about to post and agree.
Expand your lupin threshold…Pliny the Elder and Dogfish Head 120.
:)
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You should’ve bet actual money, you could have cleaned up big. Milwaukee isn’t a very nice place to live. I’m not alone in saying this either, the last time the city didn’t post negative population growth was way back in the 1960 census.
Aside from a small handful of neighborhoods clustered on the shore of Lake Michigan (East Side, Bay View) or on the western and southern outskirts of town, the place is a poverty stricken craphole. I’m from here, hell I’m from the craphole part.
Not to mention, a producer of some of the worst beer in America (excluding our microbrews). Such crap brews include Olde English 800, Steel Reserve 211, Miller in all of it’s hideous forms, Mickey’s and Milwaukee’s Best.
Miller makes all of these, which is why they’re still made here. All of the others (Pabst, Schlitz) got the hell out.
You hit the nail on the head with this list.
You no little to nothing about beer.
I am a big fan of microbrews and imports,my favorite being Samuel Smith’s Oatmeal Stout, but I still love PBR. Light and a better taste than Bud/Miller/Coors. Good session beer.
Some Mexican beers are quite alright. I like Pacifico, Negra Modelo and Bohemia.
(which that part among the very few other things of this article is true)**
while Stella is has a very high carbonated content such as ginger ale**
(I hate when I make grammatical errors so I just had to fix them, I’m sure there are more but I don’t have THAT much time; besides it’s St. Patrick’s and I’ve got to go try some more beers myself.)
Stella tastes just like PBR!
I will agree that most of the pale, light and adjunct lagers that the author mentions are not my cup of tea, but why all the hate? Let people drink what they want. If they want to drink products from macrobreweries, let them. If they want to support their local craft beer scene, let them.
Beer is beer. It has been around since the dawn of civilization, and it is a sure bet that it will still be around years from now. Drink what you will, think what you will.
Furthermore, all mainstream lightish beers do in fact suck but have their place. Spices and fruit in beer also suck, and if you put fruit in any wheat beer other than the crap on par with sam adams cherry wheat to drown out the taste, you need slapped. Putting fruit into Franziskaner or Tucher is like touching children-wrong on any level.
“All Old Milwaukee products have won top honors at the Great American Beer Festival and the World Beer Cup. Over the past 10 years, Old Milwaukee Light has won more awards than any other light beer in America.”
… reach for a cold coors light, it turns blue when your beer SUCKS!
coors falls into this category, but interestingly enough, freshness is a huge factor. if you are ever in golden CO and you drink a coors, it’s almost good. sure bavarian beer is on a whole other level. they’ve been makin beer for all the right reasons and for centuries.
i personally enjoy IPAs from the pacific northwest, sam adams, brooklyn, becks, red stripe, hacker, weinstefan, spaten,
long trail, magic hat, stella, harp, newcastle etc. etc. you get the idea.
every now n then me and some friends will house a case of mgd, corona or w/e. id just prefer to be plenty drunk by the time that happens.
also i think its pretty clear the author has issues
Genny Light and Genesee Cream Ale are about the worst I’ve come across. The Cream Ale in particular gives you the worst hangovers.
I love the vivid imagry associated with 1: Natty Ice. I feel it is as consice as it is deserved.
Well done, chap.
We used to get bombed off of 40s of this crap daily.
The beauty part is we only paid like $0.75 per 40oz.
The bad part was that it tasted like holy hell and it made you think kayaking down frozen mountains was a super good idea.
Heineken is Dutch
Fruit in beer = breaking Man Law
The only badass fruits are pumpkins because Georgie Washinton pioneered pumpkin beer
Micro brews are the only beers that deserve a place in your fridge/bar/cabinet.
The Author is very very very wrong on the most important point. Fruits and spices are a vital part of brewing history. Coffee is an excellent additive to brews. Finally, homebrew is the purest form of culinary art. If you can’t take joy in a lovingly crafted homebrew then you are an uncultured swine and should stick to your mass produced pisswater.
And to the guy who said anything a homebrewer makes should be on the list, guess what nearly all of your “good beers” used to be.
i also didnt say schlitz was good. i said it got a pass because a bad ass piano player wrote a song about it.
yes the immigrants did have the ingredients. i was trying to point out that the author is a racist prick.
also go f**k your self if you dont know a mr. show reference.
you stupid f**k,
dr. retarded
1. natty ice, yes it is very very gross. i stopped drinking it when i tried it once in high school. so i agree with you on that one. even though you forgot the title of your blog. see my first sentence if you for got.
2. malt liquors, you’re stupid. they’re cheap and mickeys is pretty good if you ask me. and after one or two do you really care what it tastes like? oh yeah and stella is fucking awesome. so you’re a dumb s**t on that one. and vodka is NOT the poor mans drink. the poor mans drink is the subject you decided to write a fucking blog about! its FUCKING BEER!
3. busch, yeah you hit the nail on the head with that one.
4. pbr is also a good beer, though i can see how a lot of people dont like it. if youre ever in texas try lone star, its the pbr of texas but it tastes better. but your reason for not liking it is lame. you really dont like it because other people do. i heard hipsters like to breathe air too.
umm you did 4 twice. but 4 1/2 through 6 i agree with.
7. fruity beers, HAVE YOU EVER HAD A LAMBIC BEER!!!??? S**T! know what you’re talking about when you’re expecting someone to listen. im going to guess youre 22 or 23. and what about hefeweizens? alot of those you squeeze a lemon or orange into and those are some of the best beers in the world.
8. latino beers, you know most of those breweries were founded by german and checkoslovakian immigrants right? meaning they’re using centuries old recipes. NOT USING WHEAT!!! and you seem like you would love the 1950’s. you hate gays, non-whites and you seem to have an antiquated education.
9. ehh doesnt miller make red dog and milwaukees best, pretty much every big brewery in america sucks and they make beer that you dont think they make.
10. or rather 11. schlitz F**K YOU! this one gets a pass cause jerry lee lewis wrote a bad ass song about it. that and i wanted to say f**k you. learn about what youre writing about before you take the time to do it and learn how to count.
Also the fact that you fail regarding ingredients (wheat? Only a few beers are made with wheat, dumbass)
Your “in your face” attitude about what beer is good or not while ultimately amusing is rife with ignorant commentary and incorrect information.
There are some exceptions to all rules though. The Mexican Carta Blanca is a fantastic beer, and Pacifico (Corona’s bigger brother) is actually a very good lager for hot weather.
Pabst is gross.
Microbrews forever.
So how is your live going, little over 10 years after you wrote this reply.